Some of you might have a very clear idea of what you would like to write about. Some others might feel overwhelmed. Where to start?
Following you will find a suggested list of topics along with comments and questions that will help you get started and write your own document: Introduction First things first: Don’t waste a single minute; remind them how much you love them. By doing this very simple thing, you have already started the process. Congratulations. Make it clear why you are doing this. Are there particular circumstances in your life right now that are compelling you to start a project such as this one? At the same time, tell them you are aware that they might not agree with some of your ideas and thoughts. This is OK because as individuals we form our own priorities, values, and beliefs; in fact, one of the main tasks we have as a parent is to help our children reach this point as they grow. Write that if anything, you would like them to know you better so they can understand themselves better. This is a good opportunity to adopt a humble attitude towards life, letting your children know that while writing these words, you are well aware you are not perfect. Invite them to take this document as the good intended work of someone who is madly in love. Share your belief that no matter how young or old we are, we can and should learn from each other. Tell them this is not the kind of document that is meant to be read once; in fact, they might need to read it several times (and at different times in their lives) so they can fully understand it. Also, this is the time to remind them that this document is always a work in progress. It evolves as you evolve. Somewhere in your document, mention the date you are starting this project. Safety First: Take care of yourself and your own. There is something bigger than love or health, something we usually take for granted: Life. Without it, we really couldn’t do anything. Make this your first topic after the introduction. This is something that can be as long or short as you believe it needs to be. General advice could include: + The value of life (how precious it is). + They are responsible for their own safety and for the safety of those whom they are responsible to protect (like their own children). + The importance of prevention. Make sure you also develop on particular aspects you feel are critical, like drinking and driving, taking care of their kids in unfamiliar places, voluntarily (and unnecessarily) placing themselves at risk by practicing ‘extreme’ hobbies, doing stupid things because of peer pressure, handling guns, trusting strangers (if they are very young), etc. As much as we could trust our children, remind them that not only their life matters, they also need to act responsibly towards the lives of others. We don’t want our son or daughter to be ‘the bad guy’. Think of a couple of examples and write a little bit about them. Should it apply to your way of life, it might be a good idea to tell your kids that at the same time you are asking them to take care of themselves (if not for them, at least for you since they are your life), you are also taking care of yourself because of them, because you want to live a long life to be able to enjoy their company and help them in any way you can. The importance of a healthy lifestyle / diet I wrote about this topic inside the previous one, but you may choose to make it a separate one depending on how specific your advice you want it to be. I chose to include it inside ‘safety’ because at least for me, taking care of our bodies is part of prevention and our desire to be alive. Take the time to write about food, and more specifically, eating healthy since depending on the ‘fuel’ we get into our system is how and how far we are going to go. Write about the food you regularly eat because you believe it is good for you. Are you someone who drinks certain amount of water every day because you believe it is a healthy thing to do? Would you recommend your children to try to sleep ‘x’ number of hours every night? About exercising and if you agree, write about the importance to start early on in life, to ‘invest’ in oneself. If you practice a sport, write a little bit about why you chose it. It might help them as an example to pick one of their own. What is the purpose of Life? (Or in other words, ‘why are we here’?) I included this question early on in this document not only because its importance, but also because your answer help your loved ones understand who you are. In other words, it is another ‘piece of the puzzle’ called (your name here). If answering this question will delay the rest of your work, move on to other topics while you give it a couple of days (or weeks) to think about this. It doesn’t have to be ‘one single purpose’ that explains and defines all. If it is for you, great. Write it down. In my case, I found 3 main reasons why I believe we are here on this earth. If you allow me to help you at least with one, it (of course) has to do with Love: not exactly as an idea but rather as an experience. Finding and Living Love. Love that explains your Life. Love that requires and ‘consumes’ all your heart. As time goes by, the subject of your Love might be the same or it might change, it doesn’t matter. Love! (As in a verb, in the present tense). The power of time Since Time is such a powerful concept, advise your kids to make Time an ally, not an enemy. The past is already gone and we don’t really know what is in the future. In this regard, the right time to act, pursue, and if necessary: change, is ‘Today’. While you elaborate on this concept, also remind your loved ones of the other side of the coin: a day only has 24 hours, and there is so much you can do in one day. The important thing is to move closer towards your goals by making small and sometimes big steps. If Today were an empty jar, what would you advise your kids to fill it with? “You are responsible for your own Life” Yes, share with your children this truth: each and every one of us is responsible for our own life and the choices we make every day. Although difficult to accept at first, once we are fully aware of this truth, we won’t be wasting our time and energy blaming someone else for the things we receive from Life. It means that no matter the circumstances we live in, we always have a choice. We control our lives. We have the tools to pursue our goals. There could always be excuses for our failures: “I don’t have the time”, “she is prettier”, “if I only had the money”, “I am not as smart as...” Our ideas and attitudes are the starting point towards taking control of our happiness and destiny. In this regard, we should be feeling thankful that we already have inside of us the seed to reach our goals. Of course one of the most important duties we have as parents is helping our kids to be independent mature persons. In other words and as ironic it might seem, we as parents need to teach our children not to need us. This is a process that takes many years because that is exactly what it is: a process. The Problems we will face, or in other words: Life is tough, not easy Telling our children that if they are good people everything will be OK is (unfortunately) a lie. We want to behave good because we don’t want to attract more problems than the ones we already have (or going to have). Therefore, facing and solving problems is part of our daily life. The only people who don’t have problems are dead people. What advice can you offer your children on facing problems on their own? I am sure you have plenty of ideas. Let me suggest just a few: + Ask yourself: Is this really a problem (or just a situation)? If it is just a situation, don’t let it take away your peace of mind. Don’t spend much of your time or energy at it, it is not worth it. + If it is really a problem, face it! Don’t deny its existence. However, solving it requires more from you as the solution might involve taking immediate action or doing nothing at all. + If hurt, allow yourself the time to heal. Just as you face a problem you also have to face your feelings. They say that solving a problem depends more on the attitude you choose to take towards it than on the actual solution. If you agree or if you don’t, I suggest you take the time to write your children about this. Optimism and Faith Let me start off this point by asking you: who do you prefer to be surrounded by, happy people or people who are bitter and always complaining about things? I would like to think that most of us would choose ‘option A’! If this is true, wouldn’t it be a good idea to write about the importance of the attitudes we adopt every day? Nobody wants to be around sad, bitter or pessimistic people. Especially around your loved ones: how much time do you spend complaining about things versus expressing words of encouragement, happiness, completeness, thankfulness? I am sure that Faith and Optimism bless a life in so many ways that these attitudes and feelings have a profound effect in our physical health too. They also give us perspective, something that is very easy to lose. What kind of thoughts would you recommend your children to fill their minds with? This is important as we are what we think. This optimism should not be based on fantasies but rather on the knowledge that just as we might face problems every now and then, Life is not fair either: good things can happen to bad people and vice versa. Sometimes, you don’t get what you deserve. It is something that just is. No need to lose our sleep about it. Teach your children to do their best, to do their share the best they can. If they reach their goals, great! If not, just as great and keep working while you can! The important thing to remember is to keep moving. Eventually things will come their way, no doubt about it. Optimism and Faith: they feed each other, the more optimism the more faith and vice versa. Is there someone in the family whom you can relate these ideas to? An example of the values you want your children to have? Write about this person or persons. Self Esteem You might wonder: why writing about something so obvious? Well, I wish it were. This is so important that sometimes we take it for granted. Remind your children to love, respect and value themselves, or other people won’t be able to love, respect and value them. Self Esteem is a two way street: your children (and everyone) should remember no to abuse others. Self esteem should not be so high as to not see and appreciate other people’s qualities. Also, I advise you to point out that having a healthy self esteem involves serving others. He who does not give, does not receive. The power of thoughts and good intentions If you agree, tell your children that it is very important (even for their own physical health!) to avoid bad wishes / feelings towards other people. This doesn’t mean that we all should say “I love everyone around me every day” (congratulations if you do). However, resentment, anger, hate, are feelings that consume so much time and energy for those who allow them to root in their minds and hearts. On a related subject, if you are someone who believes (like I do) there is a relationship between thoughts and concepts like success, happiness, or fulfillment, write about it too. Don’t let the small stuff trouble you This is all about perspective, realizing the place and time we live in. In other words, peace, freedom, longevity, health, etc. are conditions that should not be taken for granted. Do you lose your inner balance because you got stuck in traffic (for example)? Try placing you at a civil war, or at times where life expectancy was 20 years less than the one we enjoy today. (Man! those were real problems!). In this regard, it would be a good idea to recommend your loved ones to spend at least 15 minutes each month to think about where they are, feel gratitude for those things they are blessed with, and setting or confirming the goals they want to achieve. I elaborate a little bit more on this subject in this document. (In case you have more than one child) The relationship among yourselves It is so sad watching adult siblings fight. From a parent’s perspective, it might force anyone to ask: what did we do wrong? I advise you to recommend your children, once they have children of their own the following: Realize the place and time you live in… and try your best to be happy! This is a good place to write about a difficult experience you might have faced during your life, which was a product of the times you lived in. This example might help your kids rationalize the hurdles that they might face in the future which are a consequence of their own times. In other words, some situations are there not because “it’s your fault” or “you must have made something wrong” but rather the particular circumstances of the times you live in. As soon as your children understand this, hopefully they will stop blaming themselves and focus their energy on a solution. Let me give you an example: not so long ago, a ‘good child’ was someone who obeys their elders. The focus of education at home was on obedience and respect, rather than love or understanding. If you come from an ‘obedience’ paradigm, the sooner you realize this, the sooner you will learn to understand both yourself and your parents… and you move on with your life. Another example: if a person is graduating from college during a recession, is it his/her fault for not being employed? No. She didn’t do anything wrong. The sooner she realizes this, the sooner she will get her piece of mind and focus on a solution. Independent thinking This is about giving your loved ones perspective about something we can’t buy at the supermarket: common sense, and building a judgment of their own. You might wonder: if this cannot be passed on generation after generation, what can I tell my kids about it? Let me give you a couple of pointers: Be patient, it takes years to form a judgment of your own. Even mature people take bad decisions; or, in other words, age does not guaranty common sense or taking the best course of action every time. Therefore, learn from your mistakes and don’t be too hard on you. If you feel something is wrong, don’t do it just because other people do it (special attention to be paid during your teenage years). Nobody knows everything, and even if you are certain you are correct, respect to other people’s choices is in order. In fact, more often than not, a person knows he or she is taking the wrong decision but proceeds with it anyway. That’s how we humans are. If this is the case, worry about the things you can change, not the ones you can’t. The people we choose as our Friends What an important subject to write to your kids! The people we surround ourselves with have a huge influence in our lives, just as important as the one we have on theirs. There are so many things you can write about: from choosing friends to what you believe true friendship means. What can you share from your own experience? Make family your #1 priority (and make this commitment before you get married) This is another way to say to your kids when they are starting to date people: if you meet someone who you believe could be your partner for the rest of your life, it better be someone who shares the same goals as you do. If for you, family is #1 and this significant other feels the same way, great! If the basis for this other person’s decision making process is ‘career’, ‘my studies’, ‘my body’, etc., then problems (small and big) will begin to show up. Of course, this does not mean that if family is your priority you should quit your job and spend every minute with them. There should be a balance. However, during our lifetime there will be times when we are at crossroads, and our decisions will be based on what our priorities are. I am sure you can think about examples to write about, either from your personal experience or from that of the people close to you. Studies What can you tell your kids about studies in general and perhaps a field or school in particular? Would you advise them to make every effort to be at the top? Do you have some ideas you would like to share about the relationship between studies and life after school? Do you believe there is a link between studies and happiness? Choosing a field of study involves knowing where this path might take you once you graduate; every field has both its rewards and sacrifices. Both have to be clearly understood. In this regard, encourage your kids to research. Fortunately, right now there are books and advice on this thing called ‘career management’. This would be the right time to introduce your kids with this concept. Also, tell them to be patient with themselves in case they find it hard to choose what they like. It is normal. Make them aware that even when they like what they had chosen very much, perseverance is needed as there might be times when they feel tired and uninterested. Lastly, I advise you to remind them that their classmates now will be the first and perhaps the best source of contacts and references later on during their career. This means that even when we cannot be friends with every one, tell them not to make enemies either. Rejection (Leave the doors open) Rejection is a part of life. I am sure nobody likes it but we all have to face it anyway. The sooner we understand this, the happier we will be. With time, hopefully we would learn not be afraid of it and also not take it personal. I might go even further: losing our fear not only to rejection but to (sometimes) ridicule brings more happiness, freedom, and wealth in our lives. Since this is indeed a small world (and it is getting smaller), advise your kids to try to leave the doors open after facing rejection. More often than not, we are not fully aware of everything that is going on in the organization or individual who told us ‘no’; usually, there is really nothing wrong with us: the timing is not right, the priorities changed, etc. Leaving the doors open not only applies to how we take or react when facing rejection. We all have to say ‘no’ or ‘go away’ sometimes, and therefore it is also about being sensitive to other people’s feelings when we have to turn them down. The importance of Communication By this, I mean a clear and effective communication in every possible mean: oral, written, body language, etc. This is perhaps one of the most valuable but underrated keys to success in everything we do, both personal and professionally. If you share this thought, by all means write about it. Opportunities could be missed because of lack of good communication. One last thing: Silence is another tool of effective communication you may want to comment on. Asking for Help Somehow related to the previous topic is knowing when to ask for help. To ask someone for help does not degrade us. It shows how smart we are by realizing our own limits. Since for many people saying “I need help” is a difficult thing to do, it also shows our courage. Asking for help also makes other people feel valuable and important. Let them have that joy every now and then. Finally, it reminds us that we are not ‘almighty’. We need each other. Money / Wealth I believe money does not have a quality per se. It is not ‘good’ or ‘bad’. We, the people, are the ones who behave good or bad. However, I also believe money is necessary in life and depending on your goals is whether one needs small quantities or a lot of it. How do you feel about Money? Do you have your own theory on what to do to build wealth? Do you believe there is a relationship between personal values and money? Can you think about examples in your own family of the things to do (and maybe not to do) to build wealth? Our Liberty Some of the things we do without really appreciate their meaning are waking up in our own bed, going to the movies, enjoy the company of our loved ones. These are also examples of just a few of the things we could not do without our liberty. You might think I am exaggerating. Picture yourself in prison for a moment. Yet, there are things one could do that could jeopardize his or her liberty: from ‘small’ things like stealing something from a store or damage property to any other type of felony you can think of. Please write your kids about the value and meaning of liberty. Encourage them to think twice before doing something that can put their freedom in danger. Tell them that liberty is not a given but rather a privilege, a very precious gift our forefathers earned, sometimes at the cost of their own lives. They would have wanted for us to enjoy this liberty, not abusing it. Ideals Especially during our teenage years, we are prone to fighting for our ideals. No matter what these are or how useful our efforts are going to be. In some cases, this involves a certain degree of risk. By this I mean personal safety. What would you advise your kids to do or not to do? Is it worth it? Would it be another way to pursue these goals without risking our safety? The best use of our time We like to say that ‘time flies’. The truth is that yesterday is gone and is not coming back; what we have right now is ‘today’. Do you have your own set of rules or guidelines on how to make the most out of time? Does time have a meaning to you? (Like a brand new opportunity). Can you provide your kids examples of what happens when someone wastes his or her time? Tell your kids about the power of making good use of one’s time: tomorrow you get to build on what you do today. If you go on, what could have seen impossible at first is no longer so. Change: the new paradigm that has overruled all others If history has taught us anything is that nothing remains constant. Make no mistake, everything changes. Write your kids about change so they learn to embrace it instead of spending valuable time entertaining feelings of helplessness, agony, etc. I do believe that a common trait in successful people is their capacity to adapt and quickly respond to changing circumstances, no matter what they are or whether they agree with them or not. (In fact, sometimes it might be in your best interest to start change). You might think: “the love to my children” (for example) “will never change”. That is true in so far as you will never stop loving them; however, your love will change: it will evolve and mature. Write to your children about change. Invite them to “re-invent” themselves if necessary. Give examples of changing circumstances you have faced in the past. It might involve moving to another city, changing jobs, etc. One thing leads to another This is about being honest with one self and acknowledging our weaknesses. There are situations when ‘running in the opposite direction early on’ is the best strategy: bad company, drugs, etc., no matter how strong we think we are (or believe we are ‘in control’). If you agree, write to your children about this topic. Tell them not to ‘dialogue’ with temptation or entertain something that feels wrong, less so something that they know it’s wrong! I am sure you have examples in your mind right now that you can share and write about. On the following subject, I will let you write freely without daring to make any suggestion. We all have an opinion and are entitled to one. My only advice is that you include them in your work, do write about what you think in every topic. Don’t leave them blank. Your loved one deserves your guidance: Alcohol and Tobacco Drugs Sex before marriage Homosexuality Abortion Suicide Life is so precious that I could not resist writing about this topic. Please, write to your kids that at least in this world, there is nothing after a Life is lost. At the same time, there is no problem so big that makes suicide a course of action. Even the worst criminals, if repented, can make something good out of the time they have in their hands. Every day that goes on after someone commits suicide is a missed opportunity to do something good for those around him or her. It is also a missed opportunity to receive very precious gifts (for free): a sunrise, a smile, etc. You may write about what Life means to you, and especially his or her Life. You might also take this opportunity to write a little about death and its meaning. I believe that in a way death is a part of Life; however, young people should not cut in line. Beware of charlatans As long as we are here on this earth, there will always be people (both men and women) who don’t care about their fellow human beings. In fact, some believe business, relationships, etc. are games where there has to be winners and losers (there is no ‘win-win’ in their minds). While we cannot be beside our kids all the time to guide them from our experience, we could (and should) give them some pointers. First, tell them to trust their instincts, if something doesn’t feel right, probably isn’t. Second, phonies usually try to pressure their victims in some way: “act now before it is too late”, “if you don’t do this, it means you don’t love me”, etc. Tell your children that if they feel uncomfortable to make a choice, they should have the courage to ask for more time in order to think things through (or just walk away!). Third, knowing when to say ‘no’ is something that takes time. So advise them to be patient with themselves. In this regard, some decisions are far more important than others and special attention should be given to any signals that tell us that the present course of action is not the right one. I am sure you can think about examples of what I am saying. The culture of Egoism It seems that we are living times when ‘I’ is more important than ‘We’. Fortunately, this is not always the case. Is ‘sharing’ an important value in your life? Is this something you would like your children to do? Do you help support a charity organization within your means? Tell your kids why you do it. Sharing (time, money, etc.) is only one thing we all could do to fight egoism; taking care of our environment is another example. We also have to teach our children that service others do not diminish oneself; on the contrary, it is a path that leads to success and happiness. I believe abusing drugs, sex, etc., is another form of egoism. What do you think? Life is a commitment, which means that by making a choice we are saying ‘yes’ to some things and ‘no’ to others. I think that when we delay making commitments (marriage, for example) not only we are being selfish but also not living to our life’s full potential. How to ‘catch’ that very special person Knowing what you know, what can you tell your kid about what ‘works’ and what doesn’t? I believe there might be advice that applies to both boys and girls alike and some others that are specific to boys wanting to ‘catch’ his princess and vice versa. Can you think of “do’s” and “don’ts”? I can think of one: don’t pretend to be someone you are not and beware of people who try to. Where to find your partner for life As opposed to the ‘how’, this is about the ‘where’. It is simple: do you believe in ‘looking for love’ (actively searching for that special someone) rather than ‘being ready for love’ (timing, the right attitude, etc.)? The former leads you to go to every party, bar, restaurant that you can. The latter focuses on leading your life doing the things you enjoy doing, being open to the possibility of love. Getting to know your boyfriend/girlfriend before making a commitment I am sure you have plenty of advice for your kids based on your experience. Arguably, deciding who you choose to be your companion for life is the most important decision anyone makes. What can you tell your children about what to look for in (or run away from) this special person before saying ‘yes’? Tell them to be patient as getting to know someone takes time. On the other hand, there are certain things besides the obvious (drugs, infidelity early on, etc.) one should pay attention: you don’t want your kid to spend the rest of his or her life with someone lazy or with a violent person. In this regard, I believe respect for one another cannot be lost; this applies to not only physical but also verbal aggression. One thing that you may share with your kids is that while in a relationship, there is a tendency to think (like in other areas of life) that the grass is greener some other place. Every relationship has its ups and downs and what seems to be happiness on the outside for some other couples, might not be so bright once you enter in a relationship with that other person. ‘Fun’ is great but it is not enough to enter into that thing called marriage. Envy This is such a self-destructive feeling that it is worth discussing it with your children. From a pure ‘black & white’ analysis, there shouldn’t be envy in this world because nobody really knows what exactly goes on in the life of the person we envy. We only see what he or she wants us to see. Being a true champion We sometimes think about success in light of what the movies or the TV ‘says’ this means. In my book, being a true champion is not about fame or fortune but facing our mistakes or hardship, stand up, fight, and moving on with our lives. In this regard, we meet champions every day; they at least deserve our respect. What does success mean to you? If you were to tell your kids about what a successful person does (or doesn’t do), what would it be? This is of primary importance because our children would be measuring themselves against these standards later on in life. In your 20s, start building the rest of your life (on the foundations you developed during your childhood and teenage years) When we are young, sometimes we tend to think that since we have all the time in the world, there is time to ‘waste’. While we need to take some time off every now and then, there is no time to waste. People with great achievements often start pursuing their goals while in their 20s. This requires clarity of purpose and a certain degree of maturity. Not everyone is blessed with these two qualities at such an age. At any rate and if you agree, I believe it could be important to prepare your children during their childhood and teenage years as much as we can. If our children find themselves in their 20s trying to live as a teenager, their development process (both professional and personal) will be delayed as first they need to find themselves, mature, and decide what they want to give Life in order to receive from Life. Searching for a job Chances are that your kids would be interviewing for a position with a company or organization of their choice at one point or another during their lives. You may want to give them tips not only about the “do’s” and “don’ts” on the interviewing process, but also networking. One thing you might want to tell them is that looking like you are the best candidate for the job is as important as actually be that person. Learn to use your hands, not only your head While having a college degree is important and for many careers, a must, I have discovered that one does not know when knowing how to produce something (anything!) with your hands might come in handy: baking, knowing how to repair a car, painting, etc. This might help in times of economic difficulties and could be a very nice and fun hobby too. Your career There are so many things you can advise your children about. If you agree, tell your kids that their first job is as important as the last one. Their second job would build on the type of industry / company / functional area one works for in our first job and so on. Changing careers (voluntarily or not) is not that easy but neither is impossible. What has been your experience on this subject? This chapter is important as it involves the activities that take most of the time we have available in our lives. From punctuality to not sleeping with colleagues, just as important is learning to take care of our jobs and respecting our place of work. What are your thoughts on changing jobs vs. loyalty to a certain company / group of people? What attitudes do you believe are essential for anyone’s career? Financial independence Perhaps your career advice to your children would be “go on your own”. If so, tell your children about both the rewards and the risks of being your own boss. If you own a family business, you may want to elaborate on the things one should pay attention to while working with other members of the family in order to still sit at the table and talk to each other after work. Financial independence also means encouraging your kids to save enough during their most productive years in order to retire with dignity and still enjoy the life they choose to live. “Riding the wave” This is about the importance of timing; about being at the right place and the right time... and realizing it! In other words, we all have to do the best we can to determine the time and circumstances we live in at any given day, month or year. Timing applies to everything: even if we meet the “ideal” person to share our life with, if our personal timing is the wrong one (not mature enough, preoccupied only with work or studies, etc.) we might not even be aware of this person even if he or she would be sitting in front of us. The stock market behaves the same way: there is a time to buy and another to sell. What does this mean? It means that in order to seize the opportunities Life presents it is important to be open, flexible, and ready for change. Being lucky and recognizing when you have been are two different things. Our daily routines Tell your kids to cherish their daily routines. You might think: “are you crazy? Any routine is boring”. The very word ‘routine’ is not fun. I would say: it is routine that allows us to achieve our goals. Most things worth pursuing can only be reached through our daily efforts; this goes for both professional achievements to our personal relationships. It would help your kids to know your own experience: you might be an example of following a routine or perhaps of not following-through on things. This is about perseverance, purpose, and making time your ally, not your enemy. (Managing) Stress Whether we like it or not, stress is here to stay. It is part of modern life. We better know how to deal with it early on as nowadays, even small children are under stress as much is required and expected from them. If you have your own ‘secret formula’ to deal with stress, by all means, share it with your loved ones! The important thing is that they are aware that this thing we call stress should be under our control and not vice versa. I don’t mind sharing with you my own formula to deal with stress, it is not ‘rocket science’: Marriage We all have our share of experiences about what we believe a successful marriage requires. Perhaps from our own experiences or those from the times we lived with our own parents. Sometimes knowing what one should not do is as important. Life gives us lessons, positive and negative, and both are as valuable. Since a force so uncontrollable (and sometimes irrational) is involved here such as love, maybe there aren’t secret formulas. Maybe there are just things one can take into consideration which improves our chances for a happy and long marriage. Can you think about some of these? (Note that I used the word ‘chances’, meaning that we are dealing here in the realm of probability; since we are talking about two people living together, each with hopes, dreams, needs, and expectations of their own, there is no ‘black and white’). To help you get started let me put a couple of ideas on the table; of course, you don’t have to agree with me: (1) if your couple comes from more or less the same background and education level, your chances for success will improve; (2) your chances for a happy marriage will also improve if both know how to solve your problems without the use of any form of aggression, physical or verbal (from threats and mockery to insults). You may want to discuss anything that has a meaning during marriage: how to withstand hardship and troubles, what you think about the balance between career and family, the importance of communication as a couple, what a successful marriage involves, etc. Infidelity Fortunately, most people wish their kids remain faithful to their spouses rather than the other way around; but what if they fall into this temptation? There are risks, not only losing perspective on what is really important but also health risks. I imagine that perhaps your first advice is “don’t cheat”. In this regard, it would be a good idea to write about what you think being faithful means and what it takes. My point of view is that this is a commitment one makes every day, not only the day we get married in front of other people. However, as crude as it might sound can you think of advice in case they decide to break this commitment anyway? I can think of two: (1) if you love this other person, it is better to break off your current relationship before you start a new one. (2) If you are married with children and decide to cheat on your spouse, at least do it with another person who is also married with children, so at least both are risking the same. Single people who get involved with a married person won’t care about this person’s family; he or she has nothing to lose and everything to win. Children I hope you will agree with me that children are a true gift from Life (or God, if you are a religious person). Some people demand a lot from Life: “I want this baby to be a boy (or a girl)”. I believe we should start by giving thanks if we are able to have children first, as not everyone can. Secondly, we should give thanks if ours is a healthy baby. In this regard and to start the things you will be writing about this beautiful subject, would you advise your children to have children as soon as they get married or wait a few years? Although waiting may help advance on goals like career, I have known people who postponed trying to have children only to know, years later when they decided that the timing was right, that one of them either cannot have children or they can, but only with long treatments. Do you know of books that have helped you raise your children that you can recommend when they become parents of their own? What can you tell them about the “job” (both rewards and sacrifices) of taking care of another human being? If you agree, write about what you have learned during the years raising your children. What are the values that you have tried to teach them? Are you aware of mistakes you believe you have made as a father / mother? I personally believe that our children need our guidance even in their 20s; you might think: “By the time they are teenagers, they won’t listen”. While this may be true, they need to see us around, available to listen; even if words are not exchanged they need to ‘feel’ they still have parents. If you share this point of view, write them to be for their kids even when they are not children anymore. A common error we parents make is to treat teenagers or even young children like adults. What it takes to be a Man and a father (or a Woman and mother) Modern times require that we “face the music, and dance” or in other words, “walk the walk”. We are born a man or a woman, but this term should be earned with both courage and effort. Besides writing your children about what you think takes to be a man (or a woman), can you think of a person close to you that you can write about to illustrate the values and attitudes you believe are essential to face the world? Grandchildren Probably many of you don’t have grandchildren yet. I don’t either. It does not matter. Do your children get to know and play with their grandparents? Would you like that? Would you like to see your parents interested and involved in the life of your children? Some years ago, my wife and I were waiting for her parents to arrive at the airport; she started talking with a very nice lady some years older than our age. She shared with her ‘the secret’ for a long, successful, and friendly relationship with her daughter-in-law; she said: “I keep my mouth shut and my purse open”. What do you think? You may also try to explain how difficult it should be for grandparents that along with the joy a grandchild brings to them, they immediately drop another step down the stair of their children’s priorities in life. Religion Does religion play an important part of your life? Would you advise your children to adopt a religion? Yours? Or it does not matter which one? Could you write about your experience with religion in general and perhaps an event(s) in particular? Do you believe there is a God? How about heaven or hell? Drive responsibly This is so important. You may want to use this space to write about so many things related to driving: drinking, speed, driving with friends (especially when our kids are young), being careful not to start a fight with another driver, etc. The streets are like a jungle, one does not control the kind of person who is driving next to us. (Your personal theory about anything goes here) As an example, I have my own theory about why some nations can’t develop their full potential or in other words, the reasons why developing nations cannot reach ‘developed’ status. It does not have to be that complicated or abstract. I have another one about the only things where “more of” is always better than “less than”: health, love, and money. Your mother (or Father) The point here is to describe your spouse to your children, in your own words. I my case, I wrote to my kids how lucky they are to have a mother such as my wife, telling them the qualities I believe make her such a special person. (The name of a city dear to you goes here) It is common we have a city or town close to our hearts. Perhaps the city where you were born or maybe the city where you raised your children, perhaps neither and you have embraced the place where you met your spouse for example. Write your children about this special place and the reasons it is so important to you. You may want to describe not only things like monuments, the weather, restaurants, etc but also and perhaps more importantly the values people who live in this place cherish and by which they conduct their lives every day. The importance of making a pause By now, you may have spent a certain amount of time writing about studies, work, making the most out of time, etc. Just as important is to make a stop every now and then to be able to reflect on your course of action and evaluate your life in general and certain aspects you care about specifically. It can be 30 minutes once a month, or a week once a year if you decide to do this while taking some time off on vacations. Whatever has worked for you. Perhaps you do this almost every day while you swim, walk, run, or practice disciplines like Yoga, etc. To build or to destroy If you agree, you may want to share with your kids a simple fact: almost everything that is worth accomplishing takes time and effort while destroying is easier and in some cases, immediate. However, to work for one’s goals or along the course we decided to take eventually leads to life of completeness and gratitude. Yet, some people decide (consciously or subconsciously) to make a living out of destroying other people’s lives / work; either by criticizing, sabotaging, complaining, etc. Write to your kids about the power to build vs. to destroy; both are strong forces. Tell them to be aware of the difference and to try to avoid people whose attitudes and actions lead to taking away from Life rather than adding to its beauty. Everyone has to walk his or her own way This is the part where you remind your children that you are not perfect, and even when you did your best to present the knowledge gained in a lifetime (Your Life) as a very special gift to them and their children, it is up to them to try to copy the good and leave the bad behind. Whether right or wrong, it is only up to them to decide and judge. One thing is sure though, every life is unique and therefore your children cannot follow your every steps even if they wanted to. Also, we all make mistakes, not every one learns from them, but we all make mistakes after all. In this regard, offer this document to your children as a tool in their journey. If you help them solve or prevent at least one difficult situation, I hope you will agree with me that your time was well invested. At the end, they write their own book of Life. However, don’t finish this section without remind them that even-though they should take responsibility for their decisions and their consequences, they are not alone in this world. In summary Don’t be afraid to repeat any important idea you had already written about before in the rest of the document. It is time to wrap it up. Perhaps you would like to touch on Life in general or reinforce a topic. Imagine that in 10 minutes you are leaving for a very long journey far away without any means to communicate with them… What would you say right now before the ship sails? (Whatever you decide to write here, let your last words always be “I love You”). Quotes As a suggestion, always leave this section at the end of your document, regardless of how many topics you wrote about before it. This work is about what YOU think, not necessarily about what other people thinks. Nevertheless, I have found that including quotes from other people that reflect or reinforce your own way of thinking is a powerful and effective tool. Include as many as you want. Over the years, I have gathered quite a few quotes that I am sure will help illustrate my values, beliefs, and attitudes to my kids. Allow me to suggest at least one: “Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it”. If you are reading these last lines, hopefully it means that you took the time to read the rest of the document and perhaps write to your loved ones. I sincerely hope I could guide you, at least a little bit, during this process. God bless you and your family in this beautiful journey called Life. All the best! Sunrise
Goethe
